This is one of those crazy thinking days… Probably due to boredom… but whatev.  That’s what my blog is for!  The other day, V and I were chatting that Valentine’s Day is coming up.  OMG.  This flippin’ sucks!  I’m not ready!  2009 totally snuck up on me!  I’m kinda feeling 40 kinds of sadness!  I don’t think I’ve ever had a really fabulous Valentine’s Day.  Wouldn’t you remember that sort of thing?  The only thing I can remember is having to ASK for flowers from my ex (Ugh, I hate that term!).  Not cool.  I’m sure his memory is very different from mine… There are always two sides to every story, you know. 

But I remember asking him to take me for ice cream for 3 weeks once.  3 flippin weeks!!!  I even learned how to say it in Portuguese (he was Brazilian) and it still never happened.  The point of my story is not to bash on my ex-boyfriend (I accept half-responsibility because half of everything was my fault), but to put it out there that it will never happen again! 

This time… THIS time, I’m going to put myself first when necessary.  I think that I have this innate ability to really sympathize with other people… feel their pain… help them get through it, know what they need, etc.  But when it comes to myself, I’m really terrible about that.  I let a lot of things go until it gets to this point that I can’t take another breath with you in the same room as me.  Then I leave and you can’t deal.  It’s like this… I end up fighting this huge battle with myself for MONTHS… “Should I go?  I want to go.  I can’t wait to go… But what will happen to him if I do that?  He doesn’t think I’ll ever leave.  It’s going to kill him.”  And in turn, I hurt myself and him because I stay too long.  I just make this commitment to people in general.  My commitment is to fight for whatever it is we may call each other – friends, lovers, mortal-enemies.  I will fight for that and will fight for you EVERYTIME.  I need to learn to fight for me.  And I think I’m up for that challenge finally.  And I’m going to try and be more open to the possibilities around me.  Cause I mainly think boys are just whores.  I need to stop that.  They can’t alllllll be whores.  Can they?  I’ll get back to you on that…